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THE TAIN BO CUALINGE
The Tain Bo Cualinge (or the Cualinge Cattle Raid) is part of the Ulster Cycle, one of the four cycles of the compiled ancient Celtic literature. Literature is a loose term in this case, as most of the stories would've been spread by oral tradition until they were recorded by Christian monks centuries after they were first told. In that way, it's a lot like Homeric myth and The Tain in particular is a lot like The Iliad, except instead of fighting for the most beautiful woman of the Greek world or supremacy over the Trojan people, the forces of Ireland were fighting over...cows... I get the feeling you have to be much more Irish than I am for this to make sense, and I'm pretty Irish. Speaking of Irish heritage, according to Barry Cunliffe's The Celts: A Very Short Introduction which we read as a prelude to the class, the Irish have had the stereotype of being belligerent, violent alcoholics since before the Roman Empire. The events and characters of The Tain do nothing to refute this reputation.
Hooray for historic validation!
Now the main hero of the Ulster Cycle is Cuchulainn, who is essentially the Irish Heracles except angrier and more violent (yeah, he's that bad), but we'll get to him later. First let's talk about Conchobor, the king of Ulster during the events of the story:
Conchobor
Conchobor comes from humble beginnings. He wasn't born in a fancy castle with his future royalty guaranteed. He had to earn his kingship, and by that I mean his mother had to sleep with a dirty magic vagrant at tea time or something like that. Seriously, that's his story. The story of Conchobor's conception is also the story of the ballsiest pickup line and the most gullible woman in the British Isles. The story goes that his mother Nes was just hanging out, herding sheep and listening to Van Morrison with a pint of Guinness when the druid Cathbad comes strolling along. Since druids were apparently sentient walking clocks as well as being the primary intellectual and spiritual figures of Ireland at the time, Nes asks Cathbad "What is the present hour lucky for?" At this Cathbad looks around, sees he's the only guy for miles and that a woman in this ridiculously misogynistic patriarchal society is addressing him, and responds with "For begetting a king on a queen."Since he's a druid and therefore very wise and not at all capable of abusing his position of respect and trust, Nes believes him and sees the next logical step as sex with a complete stranger. From this Conchobor is born. The fact that he did eventually become king must have saved Cathbad a lot time making up unwanted excuses.
Dating was much easier in the old days
Now the incredibly brief description of Nes in the book leads us to believe that she has some royal blood, or is at least part of the aristocracy, but being the illegitimate son of a man who is one druid school education and a few magic tricks away from being a hobo isn't a very good foundation for ascending to the throne. So Nes being in full possession of a female anatomy decides to use the tools she's got to make life for her son a little more regal. When Fergus, the then king of Ireland who is already an epic warrior in his own right, asks her to marry him she agrees on the seemingly innocent condition that her little boy gets to play king for just a year and he'll give it right back, promise. Fergus, disadvantaged by the fact that he really wanted to sleep with this lady, agrees. Now little King Conchobor, at his mother's suggestion, takes half of his kingdom's stuff and gives it to the other half. This serves to make one half pissed off at Fergus for putting this kid in charge and the other half fall in love with their new boy king who they vote into office. This must've made for a pretty awkward honeymoon for Fergus and Nes. So now we have an inexperienced and immature child king ruling while receiving instruction from his scheming mother who uses her intellect and sexuality to take advantage of the unthinking men who run society. I could make some connections to modern popular literature and television here. In fact, I insist:
What could possibly go wrong?
Now for whatever reason, the Irish are really into Conchobor. Like, really into him. So much so that "every man in Ulster that took a girl in marriage let her sleep the first night with Conchobor."It's not clearly stated in the book, but I'd be interested to know at what age he started making good on this practice. Now Conchobor is praised by all for his fighting ability, fairness, and intelligence, but let's be honest here, he could be kind of a dick sometimes. Who can blame him with an entire kingdom blowing up his ego since he was still driving his chariot with training wheels? A great example of this is the story of the exile of the sons of Uisliu. A very brief synopsis is soon told: a girl named Derdriu is born and she is prophesied to be so hot that everyone from Brad Pitt to Eric Bana will rip each others throats out to get at her. Or is that Helen from the Iliad and the cast of the 2004 Troy movie? Still, it's essentially the same which is the point I'm trying to make. Anyway, Conchobor being the kind and selfless king he is says "hey guys, don't worry. I'll take this kid and keep her with me so when she's the sexiest thing in existence she'll just be my problem and we can all be bros still." What a great guy. Now, as you would expect, Derdriu isn't too attracted to the man who's basically been her foster father for her entire conscious life. Instead she likes this guy Noisiu, who despite his valiant efforts is unable to refuse the advances of the most beautiful woman ever. This made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. So Noisiu, his brothers, and Derdriu got the hell out of Dodge and were living it up Alba until they started trouble there, too. Now Conchobor tells them that they can come back to Ulster and he guarantees their safety. He even sends Fergus and some other upstanding guys as a guarantee. And then (and here's where he's kind of a dick) he plots to separate Fergus from them so he can have Eogan mac Durthacht kill them and capture Derdriu. One wonders why he didn't send Eogan in the first place, and the only explanation is that Conchobor was making a point about other men stepping in on his hot foster daughter game.
Not cool, bro. Not cool.
Now this leads me to a discussion on honor in ancient Celtic culture. In these stories, men fight and die at the slightest hint of insult. In some instances (see the death of Cuchulainn's son) men practically set themselves up for the chance to murder to prove their honor. So essentially, honor is everything. And yet you have cases like this in which these honorable men are clearly being very sneaky and traitorous. The only clear explanation there seems to be for this has something to do with the fact that most of these instances have to do with women. So it would seem that the Celtic idea of honor really only extended to their status as warriors and members of society, but were fairly flexible on the matter of women. Again, not too different from modern civilization. This could open into a discussion of women's roles in the Celtic stories, except it won't because I'll save that for another time. Needless to say, they don't have the best place in society at this time, and even the best of them get the short end of the stick when they go up against the male heroes. Anyway, that topic can wait for another time. And next time...CUCHULAINN!
Very full--a generous post--and funny too (maybe over the edge in some word choices? This is Kollege, ya know). The GoT ref made me laugh the most.
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